Sunday, July 3, 2011
i'm so fucking confused with myself right now.what am i? i want to be me but when i find myself copying others, i feel as if i've failed. my mom likes to judge me whenever i come close to experimenting with different aspects of myself. of MYSELF. i listen to a large variety of music, half of the day i listen to elliott smith and bonnie prince billie, and the other i listen to appendix (Finnish hardcore band) and leftover crack. and if i dare listen to something either she doesnt listen to, or that she used to as a teen, i'm suddenly fake and unoriginal. i spend too much time with my mother for her opinion of me not to matter. i see her every second of every day, and she's very good at convincing me that i'm fake and lying to myself. that she knows who i am, and me discovering is NOT who i am. i dont fucking know myself, how can she?i dont have any one to talk about this to, nor any reason to leave the house as a break from my social oppression. i feel stifled, like i'm in a glass box, kicking, screaming, and no one can hear me. they just look at me and nod. i dont fucking know who or what to believe anymore, because i dont have clean record of telling the truth,
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pssst... I'm gonna tell you a secret. It's OK to experiment - in fact you kinda have to. All the little pieces will come together and finally at around 30 you'll have this patchwork quilt of things you were in to, music you liked, fashion you experimented with and all of it will BE you and also not matter at the same time. All the different avenues you wondered down will give you access to people from all walks of life and you'll find yourself laughing at the stupid things you felt were so important to wear or to identify with and you'll enjoy the feeling of being a part of something special. I feel ya cause I was conflicted too - I wanted to be mod, emo, deadhead, crusty punk, gothic and Breakfast at Tiffany's all at once. This made for many bad fashion choices that Peter gets to endlessly make fun of me for (but he has no leg to stand on cause he also had a flare for over-the-top-odd-fashion-choices). But today I can walk into a business meeting in NYC or a village in Zimbabwe and somehow fit right in. So I did learn from it all. Your mom sees you as your most divine self and it's hard for her to separate and realize that this is part of everyone's path - to explore, try stuff on and play. She doesn't want you to loose your way or watch you give yourself away to something not worthy of YOU. You are far more clever and interesting than most of what's going on scene-wise and she just doesn't want to see you get absorbed into the conformist nature of any hipster cult. Why? Cause we all did. We all got swept away a bit and then had to come to realize that though there were beautiful moments and feelings of unity within these social movements that there was also something that stifled our creativity and actually hindered our self expression. When we look back we see wasted precious time and she just doesn't want you to have to go through the same. You figure as an adult you can maybe spare someone younger of certain missteps you may have taken so that they can move past those pitfalls faster and be more productive and get to the heart of why they're on this planet faster and really start living their gift without the pressure from any culture and/or sub-culture. But you know what... it's OK you can give yourself a break. Even though you are XYLIA THE INCREDIBLE!!! you are also human and you have every right to go through adolescence just like the rest of us. Now's the time to explore and make mistakes because the stakes are not that high yet. Give yourself a pass my love and when your mom critiques your choices just hear her words as love - that's all they are - she can't help it. Don't personalize any of it as you being bad just know that she loves you too much to not interfere and let the words roll off of you. And I promise... you will get through it eventually. I love you so much and so does everyone who's ever met you. XOXO
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